♥

I'm probably setting myself up for a little bit of public embarrassment if this doesn't go right ... it'd be another lesson learnt ... but tbh I think I've already learnt one.

we've had 10 years. 10 .. quite contrasting years. Sometimes we hated each other, but for most of those years, I had some of the best times of my life with you. The hippie nights, the water fights (ugh that wasn't supposed to rhyme. But I like it ^^), your stepdad turning into the Hulk ... yeah I mentioned this in my other blog. But atm this is unimportant.

I'm gonna be honest with you, the last few months we've snapped at each other and said a few things we shouldn't have. I think we can safely say that we're both responsible for some bitchiness.

But what I said on Facebook was unacceptable. Like off-the-hizzle unacceptable, it was fucking bad. I don't even know why I said it. It's inexplicable, I suppose I ... I felt protective of him. Defensive. I've become quite close to him; I have "chats" with him and he's a really lovely good mate to talk to. I don't "like" him, I can imagine that coming into your head straight away. But I value his friendship and I felt sort of angry when what happened, happened.

Look you're probably annoyed because this is here "for the world to see", but that's kind of the reason I put it here (ugh not to annoy you. fml i'm not good at explaining myself); I put it here because I want everyone (well, whoever has enough spare time on their hands to read this shit) to know just how sorry I am.

Going back to what I said at the start, we've had 10 years, 10 fucking years, and I don't want to throw that away! I know you probably don't want to know, and this is probably a waste of time. But it's a last-ditch attempt to try again; this is summer 2010. we will have 12 weeks (84 days!) to do whatever we want. And that's what we'll end up doing. Whether or not we do it together is a different story. It's up to you.

I am 100000000000000% up for starting afresh. Making up. I hate the hostility and it hasn't even been 48 hours yet. I'm not used to this.

I know how angry you are at me, I understand why you are. Because what I said was completely out of order and I have no excuse. I fumbled with my phone for ages when I got that text off you, trying to think of a way that I could turn it around on you, making it your fault. It's not often I admit to being wrong, I'm selfish and hardfaced and I hate losing. However in this instance, I can safely say that I'm wrong. I'm not afraid to hurt my pride, I was a total BITCH and I never should have said it. I probably deserve to lose you tbh, but I would honestly rather rip my eyeballs out and headbutt a wall than have to do that.

Anyway I did tell you that I wasn't going to grovel. Kinda too late for that now I suppose. I was going to email you this on Facebook, but it wouldn't fit. I basically need you in my life. You probably don't need me. You're strong and independent and you could find a new best friend within a week if you wanted one. But the fact is Jess, I don't want a new best friend. I want me to stop being so fucking obsessive, I want me to stop butting into other people's lives, and most of all I want you to be my best friend again so we can ... just be best friends again?

♥