2011 has literally been the best year of my life. It's absolutely unbelievable how hugely my life changed; it did a complete U-turn and I went from being an overweight, self-loathing teenager to an independent and confident young woman in just 365 days. Life will be so much easier now.

I changed because I fell in love. That 'truly madly deeply' kind of love, which creeps up on you and knocks you off your feet. The 'constant butterflies' love. And with this new love, came an exciting new lifestyle of passion and adventure. I lost a hell of a lot of weight because I wasn't comfort eating anymore. I stopped cutting. I started going out, socialising, partying. My confidence grew and I stopped dressing like a bloke and started wearing nice clothes. I developed different music tastes. I relaxed. I started travelling and going to all sorts of gigs and festivals. I felt beautiful. Life was beautiful.

October was probably the month where I got a huge wake-up call. Somebody up there must have wanted me to know I wasn't doing things right. I lost my boyfriend and put a permanent end to my college education. I thought my life was over. But despite this blip, life is STILL beautiful.

I have learnt so much about myself. Even if they're not good things to know about oneself, it's a good thing to have learned them. College didn't work because I stopped trying. Now I'm working my ass off full-time at Debenhams and I fucking love it. The relationship didn't work because we stopped trying. Now we're rekindling our old love and I feel like a lovesick teenager all over again, despite being mere weeks away from adulthood.

My last blog said I was scared about growing up, and I think I'm happy because I've grown up so much. I have a full-time job with a big company and while the money isn't great, I'm still proud of what I achieve every time I go there - a huge sense of importance. People need me at work. Nobody needed me at college. Quitting college was a spur-of-the-moment decision, but it was the best decision I have ever made. I do not need a fucking degree or a high-flying career. I want to continue this blissful life, a life of hard work that is rewarded with an overwhelming amount of happiness and freedom. I can go anywhere, do anything.

The biggest thing I've learnt from this year?

If you want something badly enough, you'll fucking try for it. Strive, push and reach for it, and you'll get it.
Despite the hiccup in the latter months, 2011 has been absolutely wonderful. Looking forward to starting afresh next year to create more beautiful memories with the people I adore.

Peace out.

Jasper Beswick ♥

Jasper,


I just want to tell you that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. From the very moment I saw you, I knew I had to have you. I was in love with you from the first time we spoke. I was drawn in by your charm, your charisma, your looks, your flirty comments, and just the fact that you seemed to care about me, and understand me, more than anyone else seemed to. I remember exactly how you kissed me that night. It was perfect. You are perfect.
 
You give me the strength to drag myself out of bed in the morning and face the world. You make me feel beautiful. You do everything the perfect boyfriend should; you wipe away my tears, you kiss me in front of your friends, you hold me when we sleep, and you listen to me.
 
I love our playfights and I love our random phone conversations. I love it when you make those faces to make me laugh when I'm sad, and the fact that you're so damn cute when you sleep. I love just being able to fall into your arms when I'm upset, I love the sweet names you give me, I love your passion and I love how intelligent and articulate you are. I love how you look at me with those amazing eyes and kiss me with those amazing lips. I love you, Jasper Beswick, so much, so so so much, I almost can't believe how much I love you. You have completed me.
 
I have waited so long for someone like you. You are my soulmate, my one true love, the very reason for my existance. Without you, I am nothing. I cannot wait to become Mrs Sasha Beswick, and spend the rest of my life loving you.
 
I love you more and more everyday, Jasper.
♥

The underlined ones apply to me.

My Personality


■I’m loud

■I’m obnoxious

■I’m sarcastic

■I’m Cocky

■I cry easily

■I have a bad temper

■for the most part, I don’t like people

■I’m easy to get along with

■I have more enemies than friends

■I’ve Smoked

■I’ve smoked weed

■I drink coffee

■I clean my room daily

My Appearance:


■I wear makeup

■I wear a piece of jewelry at all times

■I wear contacts

■I wear glasses

■I have braces

■I change my hair color often

■I straighten my hair often

■I have piercings

■I have small feet

Relationships:



■I’m in a relationship now

■I’m single

■I’m crushing

■I’m in love
■I’m always scared of being hurt

■An ex has physically abused me, at least once

■I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t

■I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did

■I’ve been in love more than two times

■I believe in love at first sight

Friendships:



■I have a bestfriend

■I have at least ten friends

■I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend

■I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend (not physical)

■I can trust at least five people with my life
Experiences:



■I’ve been on a plane

■I’ve been on a train

■Someone close to me has died

■I’ve taken a taxi

■I’ve taken a city bus

■I’ve taken a school bus

■I’ve gone bungee jumping

■I’ve made a speech

■I’ve been in some sort of club

■I’ve won an award

■I’ve spent 24 hours on the computer straight

■I’ve been in a physical fight

Music:



■I listen to R&B

■I listen to country

■I listen to pop

■I listen to techno

■I listen to rock

■Im one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it

■I hate the radio


■I buy CDs sometimes

Television:



■I spend at least six hours a day watching TV

■I watch soap operas daily

■I’m in love with Days of Our Lives

■I’ve seen and liked the OC

■I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill

■I’ve seen and liked Americas Next Top Model

■I’ve seen and liked Popular

■I’ve seen and liked 24

■I’ve seen and liked CSI

■I’ve seen and liked Everwood

Family Life:



■I get along with both of my parents

■My biological parents are still together

■I have at least one brother

■I have at least one sister

■I have at least one step brother/sister


■I have at least one half brother/sister

■I’ve been kicked out of my house

■I’ve ran away from home

■I’ve made my parents cry

■I’ve lied to my parents

■I’ve lied to my parents about where I am

■I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing

■I’ve walked out when I’ve been grounded

■I don’t live with my parents

■Parents are screwed up and gone

Hair:



■I’ve been brown

■I’ve had streaks

■I’ve cut my hair in the past year

■I’ve dyed my hair in the past year

■I’ve been blonde

■I’ve been red

■I’ve been light brown

■I’ve been medium brown

■I’ve been blue/green

■I’ve gotten my hair thinned

■I use conditioner

■I’ve used Silk Therapy

■I’ve used hot oil treatments

■I’ve curled my hair

■I’ve straightened my hair

■I’ve ironed my hair

■I’ve braided my hair

School:



■I’ve yelled at a teacher

■I’ve been suspended

■I’ve had an in-school suspension

■I’ve been sent to the principals office

■I’ve walked out of class

■I’ve skipped an entire day of school

■I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class

■I’ve failed a test

■I’ve cheated on a test

■I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test

■I’ve failed art

■I’ve failed PE

■I’ve failed math

■I’ve failed science

■I’ve failed another class

■A teacher has called my parents

2010 was pretty shit, but also a very ... eyeopening year. I have done more things this year than in any other. I think this is the year I actually started to grow up.

I mean, as you'll see by my blogs, someone really truly broke my heart this year, and in all honesty, I'm still trying to come to terms with it. It's been 7 months now but I still replay every last detail in my head. It's sad really. I've met so many amazing new people and yet I cling onto someone who has hurt me beyond words.

2010 was definitely the year I fucked shit up. I lost friends, lost boyfriends, started smoking, and put all my lost weight back on again. I don't suppose those things matter now, they're kind of trivial, but I guess everything happens for a reason. Probably to teach me a lesson, but I never fucking learn from my mistakes, which is something I need to kick. I'd probably benefit from losing a stone and stopping smoking too. Meh.

Now I think about it, weirdly, 2010 was also when I properly made an effort to get a grip on my own life. I was working REALLY hard at school, like, studying every single day and sometimes through the night, and I got pretty good GCSE results. I then went on to work 7 different jobs.

I royally fucked things up at college between September and December and I hope I can salvage something. I just haven't been trying. I'd been skipping lessons to go take drugs and go shopping and have coffee and blah blah blah, it's fucking pathetic. I need to make an effort in college now, a proper effort.

2010
The last few weeks of Coombeshead.
Going to Dawlish...
Camping.
Parties.
Starting college.
Protests + occupations ♥
Gigs.

I mean, these things don't seem much at all. Not to you. But they do to me, they mean more to me than anyone, and I miss the memories and the people so much. I wish I could rewind and be 16 again and live all the memories again. I've fucked things up, things now are nowhere as good as they were. I want my old friends back. I'm actually sobbing as I write this, I really can't believe how much everything's changed. I don't want to grow up. I hate EVERYTHING that's going on right now. It's all gone to shit.

2011 had better be fucking incredible.
Fuck this.