The Poetry of my Heart
Revealing now the poetry of my heart
Think birds in flight and you will start to come close
As faces come from the darkness familiar
To greet you hello again
They pluck those strings and sing those refrains I know so well, and
hold so close
Now follow these birds faithfully, keeping those faces in mind
Over rivers and dales and soft greens until we come to the edge of
the vast ocean
The biggest sea you may imagine and more
Lift your hand and let those birds soar with this sweet music
Fast we fly over these waters
Faster and faster until we blur, and our words blur, and memories
of lost things blur too
The sun catches you flying
Imagine this from the perspective of the sun
Those birds and you moving the speed of light over the blue
Well, if you were the sun, you'd laugh too!
Finally, after such a momentous journey
You slow upon a deserted island, lush with life
And on its barren shore you find a worn sea chest
Polished smooth by years of coarse handling
Open that chest and you would find inside
A single valentine and the poetry of my heart
Dragging that sea chest around the bend
Thru sand into a jungle dense with flower and shade
We take the forgotten trail up the hillside
Up towards the laughing sun
Catching its wisdom as it's given
Past the ghost whispers and relics of another past
Climbing to the very top
Because time will not stand still for us
But it will pretend every once in a while
And up here, forgotten, is just you, me
One sea chest holding a single valentine and the poetry of our
hearts
A single bulb lights this room
It's dark in here all the time
If the ceiling had only captured my dreams and nightmares alike,
What stories it could show
She is here, the one
The one I love, desire, devise, rescue, all to my heart's own sorrow
I'm lost in this room, but this is the place the valentines are written
The site of my greatest thought and saddest song
There are no birds here to take flight
No oceans to fly over, no islands to reach
No sun to catch me crying
This is the gift of oblivion and opaque dance
Revealing now the poetry my own heart
its sorrow and the nameless wish I called bliss once
Stripped of its title and junked for show
The bulbs swing, the kids sing
The rooster crows and I seek sleep
Somewhere past the scars and empty cars and endless bars filled
with reminders
I want to climb from this hole
And dash myself upon the rocks below
But still it requires your push
Because a push requires intent
And intent requires desire
And desire registers in this body as need
Do you need me?
So push me over, my sea chest and me
The birds will follow me down
Retrace the steps, up to the ceiling
Back thru the bulb, into the electric wires
And out of Manhattan
Coming out another side
To a kid, a dream
A scrawled valentine with an x and o if truth be told
Revealing now the poetry of my heart
Rage and the canopies it paints
And the drawings it frames
And its real cage, me

Billy Corgan

You ruined my life, and that in turn caused me to cause myself further damage.
I give up. I fucking give up. I hate myself, and it's all your fault. You fucked me up.
You fucked everything up for me.
I HATE you.

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what have you done to me?
Every night, every FUCKING night, you're there, in my head, in my bed, next to me, holding me.
I CAN'T FUCKING GET RID OF YOU.
I don't want you. I hate you, I loathe you, I despise you. I loved you and you fucking ripped my fucking heart out, you selfish cunt, I hope Karma hits you like a fucking train for this, you don't deserve anything, you didn't deserve me loving you, you didn't deserve my time then, and you still don't now.

and yet you still insist on plaguing my mind.
why? just- why? why the hell do you have to do this to me?
You know I'm trying to forget about you.

I dread going to bed. I hate sleeping, I try to avoid thinking about you but you still slither into my thoughts, and stay there, writhing in and out of my dreams like a disease that can't be cured.

you have officially fucked me up.

fuck you, fuck fuck fuck you to hell and back.
I don't need you.
I never needed you.
I needed to stay away.
I needed to resist.
I wish I'd never met you.

BLARGH

I hope someday that I will be a someone who oozes confidence and attractiveness.

I hope someday that I will have more financial aptitude, and a decent job, a job that does not entail any of the following:
1. Strenuous physical activity
2. Sedentary activity that results in rather large blisters on my fingertips.
3. Getting covered in soap/moisturiser/caustic soda, or any other grease/danger-related toiletries.

I hope to someday form an emotional attatchment to somebody who replicates said attatchment.

My life SUCKS.

the people I look up to.

My inspirations.
Matthew Bellamy, Dawn French, Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Wolf, Candice Clot, David Mitchell, Marilyn Monroe, Beyoncé Knowles, Marshall Mathers, Cee-Lo Green, Beth Ditto, Freddie Mercury, Billy Corgan, Katie Piper, Barack Obama, Agostino Giglio.

Having not been inspired by these people, I would not be the person I am today.
I thank you all ♥

When problems overwhelm us, and sadness smothers us, where do we find the will and the courage to continue? Well, the answer may come in the caring voice of a friend, a chance encounter with a book, or from a personal faith. For Janet, hope came from her faith...but it also came from a squirrel.

Shortly after her divorce, Janet lost her father. Then she lost her job. She had mounting money problems. But Janet not only survived, she worked her way out of despondancy, and she says "Now, life is good again!" How could this happen? She told me that late, one autumn day when she was at her lowest, she watched a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter; one at a time, he would take them to the nest. And she thought, "If that squirrel can take care of himself, with a harsh winter coming on, so can I."

Once I broke my problems into small pieces, I was able to carry them, just like those acorns, one at a time.

- White Stripes

Sometimes we need to experience real pain before we learn who can truly heal us, and not just temporarily numb where it hurts; sometimes it takes a massive fuck-up, or a humiliation, or a loss, or just a really hurtful, confusing experience. It is testing experiences such as these which are not only tests of our own strength and ability to pull through (with or without the help of others), but tests of the people around you, and how much they care for you.

To be honest, it's going to take superhuman strength to come to terms with everything. I'm never quite going to understand how you found it in yourself to rip my heart out in order to save your own, and I'm never going to understand how you feel, because I can't read you, no one can. But I know one thing, and it's something that I wish I didn't know, but I do, and I suppose I'm glad; you're not worth the tears, you're not worth the heartache, you're not worth the constant existance within my head, and you are most certainly not worth my time.

At one point, you were worth so, so much to me, and I can't quite believe that one person, one "man", was the catalyst for the spectacular tits-up direction that my life has taken. But you know what?

I'm stronger now. And you know why?

Because this disaster, this fucking kick in the teeth, the non-stop thinking, brooding, what-iffing and clear-as-day images of your face relentlessly flickering in and out of my brain ... it's all made me understand myself better.

I know that I'm too naive; I take things too quickly, I trust too easily, and I fall in love with the wrong people.
I know the qualities to look for in a perfect human being.
And most of all, I know who my real friends are. I now know who I can discard, and who I need to hold onto for dear life, and never let slip away.

What we had was special, and I thank you for it. You gave me things I never could have had were it not for you, and I'm not talking about material things, I mean experiences. We had a fucking laugh, sometimes it felt like we were more like mates, and I loved that we could just lie there and talk for hours. Yes, you were ignorant and a bit arrogant but I saw through your cockiness and concentrated on the good person inside. And I know he's in there somewhere, it's just going to take someone more special than me to bring him out and stop him hiding again. I know you probably won't read this, but I just wanted to put it out there how thankful I am, for having been shown how gritty and nasty this world of Love is, and how hard it is to find The One.

I want to thank you for making it easier for me to filter out people like you.
And I want to thank you for bringing me and my friends closer together. They're all telling me you're not worth it, and I'm starting to believe them. The tears aren't worth it. You're not worth it.

They're telling me I can do so much better than you ... and to be honest darling, it's not going to be difficult; thank-you for helping me learn that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and there are hundreds that are better than you.

:)

I could never live the way they want (8)

Couple of FMLs but mainly WOOPWOOPs over the last few days.

So, firstly I suppose I'd better get the FML moments over with.
FML#1: I've just found out I've been 5'4 since 2007. The growth spurt never came :/
FML#2: The same day I purchase a packet of 20 cigs, I get my NHS Quit Kit through the post.
FML#3: I am more confused about the male species than I ever thought possible. What is WITH them?! Obnoxious, manipulative, liars, or just plain stupid?!??

But anyway. WOOPWOOP time. :)

#1: Found out I have lost 32lb since September 2009 ... I've lost 3lb in the last fortnight alone!
#2: Has the most amazing wonderful supportive friends in the world. ♥

So yesterday, met Scott and Jess in the park. Met Dom, Dom (PIERCING ZOMG), Leon and Shaun and had a chinwag in the town centre. Got picked up, got fags, Jake and Joel arrived, I got drunk and .. cried a little. :/

I have to keep telling myself that it's for the best.
I have to keep telling myself that it's for the best.
I have to keep telling myself that it's for the best.
I have to keep telling myself that it's for the best.
I have to keep telling myself that it's for the best.

Got 3 hours' sleep last night, drank this morning, smoked my lungs out and ate at Jess's, before coming home, showering and coming on here. I don't know how I feel.

I suppose I'm happy, because making a decision that would benefit me enormously now, would absolutely kill me in a year's time. But I can't stop thinking about you, I'm trying to let go but the memories are just tumbling around in my head and I can't get the image away. Even normal things like cuddling up to close friends and smoking reminds me of you. I keep trying to tell myself it's for the best, I don't need you, you're a fucking shithead and you're not worth my time ... but you were worth my time back then, and I still think that you could be.

So when you ask "how are you?", expect neither a clear nor coherent answer. Because I don't even know. I'm exhausted because I can't stop thinking and overthinking and thinking again and overanalysing every tiny detail of the pros and cons and what's wrong and what's right. I suppose, in short, you've messed things up for me.

Screw this!

ps; Jess, Leon, Adam and Scott - you guys have helped me through a lot ♥

:/

The strongest thing to do is walk away. It would have killed me in the long run.
Remember you're always special to me ♥