willpower alone failed. think I might need some help in the form of a Nicorette Inhalator. Anyway, the last few days have been fucking magic.
Friday - Brad's :)
Saturday - Brad's (with Sean, and German Shepherds :/)
Sunday - Kristy's MOUAHAHAHAHAHA
Monday - Beach with Brad and Sean, + lost my Rude Bar virginity, fucking AWESOME ♥
Tuesday - Saw my beautiful long-lost wusband Miss Tara Boyland for a lovely catchup. :)
Wednesday - Torquay with Tara, got a ears pierced again.
Unfortuantely the series of marvellous events has had to be interrupted by ICT tomorrow BLOODY PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS BECAUSE I CAN'T GET A DISTINCTION but hopefully shall be followed by 12 weeks of undisturbed bliss.
IF I CAN GET A FLIPPIN' JOB!!
I applied for Choice Words ffs. CHOICE WORDS. I AM AN ATHEIST. D:
Or am I?
I actually had a bit of a debate about this; me and Tara were talking about religion and we came onto the subject of where we stand in terms of our own religious beliefs. I said I was an atheist, and Tara said she was agonostic. Then I thought ... hang on, I believe in Karma, which is an outside force, just as "God" would be, were He to exist. I don't believe that there is a God, but I do believe in Karma, which is a Buddhist belief. So am I Buddhist? Or should I say that I'm agnostic, seeing as I'm not sure? Thiiiiiiiings that make ya go HMMMMMMMMM. :)
So yeah, anyway. Gonna stretch my ear lobe, I don't want it to be all massive and dangly and gross, but I want one of those coloured flesh tubes. Rude' was full of loads of HOT people with stretched ears, so for a fiver, why the hell shouldn't I ruin my ear lobes? Was tempted to "ruin my pretty face with further ironmongery" but chickened out, 'cause nose piercings hurt :/ next time I get money, I'll get either angel bites or snake bites. 'Though I have no idea atm 'cause I'll probably just pussy out again xDD.
Anyway, I have a personal statement to write, and I need to shower, and send an important email, and do lots and lots of thinking, because that Rash Decision that was good at the time, has caused me to be rather hurt and confused.
GAAARGH.
That was a nice ramble; I haven't been on the internet since Sunday xD.
PEACE OUT.
♥
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
Sunday, 27 June 2010
time to make a change.
It's official, I'm quitting smoking. I woke up this morning feeling like shite, the walk home was torture 'cause I was so out of breath ... I'm not fat or unfit, I'm purely unhealthy because of smoking all those stupid little cigarettes (8)
so yeah, had my last cigarette today, ordered a quit kit, gonna get some Inhalators on the NHS. My body can apparently repair itself to pretty much brand new, and I'll save a hell of a lot of money. Not looking forward to the weight gain but it doesn't matter that much, 'cause I won't have cancer ... I'll just be fat instead. -_-
Ehh it's for the best! :) Had an absolutely magic weekend, I'm glad I made that decision. Hopefully the decision to quit smoking will be one of the best I've made :)
"Shut yer fucken' mouth, you betch!"
- Sean
so yeah, had my last cigarette today, ordered a quit kit, gonna get some Inhalators on the NHS. My body can apparently repair itself to pretty much brand new, and I'll save a hell of a lot of money. Not looking forward to the weight gain but it doesn't matter that much, 'cause I won't have cancer ... I'll just be fat instead. -_-
Ehh it's for the best! :) Had an absolutely magic weekend, I'm glad I made that decision. Hopefully the decision to quit smoking will be one of the best I've made :)
"Shut yer fucken' mouth, you betch!"
- Sean
Saturday, 26 June 2010
Friday, 25 June 2010
it's cliché time!
sometimes you've gotta make rash decisions. these decisions will either hurt you, or hurt someone else. they'll either cause something to work massively in your favour, or turn an already-shit situation even further tits-up. but basically, we've all gotta do things in life that will cause a dispute between our hearts and our heads. it could be a little thing, or it could be a massive thing.
Just a sec ago, I got faced with a dilemma; do I do this, and make an idiot out of myself if it goes wrong? Or should I just dull my feelings down and carry on like a hard-faced bitch who doesn't give a shit? Normally it'd be the second one. But today, I decided to follow my heart, and ignore the bizarre goings-on within my abnormally large cranium. So what if I screw up? At least I'll know that it wasn't meant to be.
So I've just taken a massive, retarded dive into a Rash Decision. I've got a few more to make along the way; within 24 hours, things could either be REALLY GOOD or REALLY BAD. It's just a case of making the correct rash decision (if there is such a thing) and letting fate work out the rest. Whatever will be, will be.
Just a sec ago, I got faced with a dilemma; do I do this, and make an idiot out of myself if it goes wrong? Or should I just dull my feelings down and carry on like a hard-faced bitch who doesn't give a shit? Normally it'd be the second one. But today, I decided to follow my heart, and ignore the bizarre goings-on within my abnormally large cranium. So what if I screw up? At least I'll know that it wasn't meant to be.
So I've just taken a massive, retarded dive into a Rash Decision. I've got a few more to make along the way; within 24 hours, things could either be REALLY GOOD or REALLY BAD. It's just a case of making the correct rash decision (if there is such a thing) and letting fate work out the rest. Whatever will be, will be.
Blarrrghhhh.
well, I was ill for prom -_- and my dress kept falling apart and I ended the night with my belt around my neck, but I danced my balls off and had a bloody good time, and I completely forgot that I was ill :) fucking hell, today is another story.
Woke up at 6 coughing my guts up, second attempt at quitting smoking didn't go according to plan >< I reckon I'm just gonna give up giving up, I'm obviously not strong enough to do it. Cold is back in full force w/o any sign of fucking off, and I'm deaf (combination of too much iPod, head full of snot and right in front of the speakers at the disco xD) ffs! oh and my poor feet, 2 hours dancing in high heels isn't the best thing to do when you're not a "Heels Person" x)
I wish I could say life was good but it's just so hard when things keep falling apart; I've applied for like 15 jobs and nobody has bothered to reply, people have taken to holding ridiculous grudges, I'm fucking off to Exeter College and leaving my best friends and I don't know how I'm going to cope, things are going wrong and I need to sort stuff out.
GET A JOB.
Stop being so competitive.
Get a job.
Get a job.
Spend more time with my real friends, and weed out the shitheads.
Get a job.
GET A JOB!
Stop smoking.
Lose weight.
Lose a lot of weight.
Get a job.
mmm. need to work on that.
Woke up at 6 coughing my guts up, second attempt at quitting smoking didn't go according to plan >< I reckon I'm just gonna give up giving up, I'm obviously not strong enough to do it. Cold is back in full force w/o any sign of fucking off, and I'm deaf (combination of too much iPod, head full of snot and right in front of the speakers at the disco xD) ffs! oh and my poor feet, 2 hours dancing in high heels isn't the best thing to do when you're not a "Heels Person" x)
I wish I could say life was good but it's just so hard when things keep falling apart; I've applied for like 15 jobs and nobody has bothered to reply, people have taken to holding ridiculous grudges, I'm fucking off to Exeter College and leaving my best friends and I don't know how I'm going to cope, things are going wrong and I need to sort stuff out.
GET A JOB.
Stop being so competitive.
Get a job.
Get a job.
Spend more time with my real friends, and weed out the shitheads.
Get a job.
GET A JOB!
Stop smoking.
Lose weight.
Lose a lot of weight.
Get a job.
mmm. need to work on that.
Sunday, 20 June 2010
urgh!
I start smoking; a fucking week later the Karma Gods fucking piss on me with the headcold from hell, 4 fucking days before prom. Joy!
I suppose I kinda deserve it, you can't grow up in this era without having the significant risks of smoking being drummed into your skull left right and centre, I know it kills, I suppose I just had the "We're all gonna die anyway" frame of mind when I started. Hmm. Well anyway I fucking walked into this one, I'm SO fucking ill, so I read up on whether smoking affects your immune system.
It does. FML.
So yeah I'm going to give up smoking before I get like massively addicted, 'cause it's only a matter of time before the damage is irreversible. It shouldn't be too hard. I've shortened my life by a few hours, and that'll do.
In the meantime, I'd better just slosh down several vile cups of black tea, gargle some fucking salt water, eat some fucking oranges and cross my fingers that I'm better by Thursday. 'Cause if I'm not, UURRRRGHHHH it'll be the biggest bitch-slap that Karma has ever given me.
ps, I am obsessed with this cover : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ejeEBlDESc
I said lend me some sugar, I am your neighbour ♥
I suppose I kinda deserve it, you can't grow up in this era without having the significant risks of smoking being drummed into your skull left right and centre, I know it kills, I suppose I just had the "We're all gonna die anyway" frame of mind when I started. Hmm. Well anyway I fucking walked into this one, I'm SO fucking ill, so I read up on whether smoking affects your immune system.
It does. FML.
So yeah I'm going to give up smoking before I get like massively addicted, 'cause it's only a matter of time before the damage is irreversible. It shouldn't be too hard. I've shortened my life by a few hours, and that'll do.
In the meantime, I'd better just slosh down several vile cups of black tea, gargle some fucking salt water, eat some fucking oranges and cross my fingers that I'm better by Thursday. 'Cause if I'm not, UURRRRGHHHH it'll be the biggest bitch-slap that Karma has ever given me.
ps, I am obsessed with this cover : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ejeEBlDESc
I said lend me some sugar, I am your neighbour ♥
Wednesday, 16 June 2010
LMFAO
Watched Borat last night :') oh God it's so funny, I love it so much ♥
Borat: What kind of dog is this?
Zookeeper: It's a tortoise.
Borat: Is it a cat in a hat?
Zookeeper: No... it's a tortoise in a shell.
Atlanta Teenager: What kinda music you listen to?
Borat: I like-a very much Korki Buchek. You know Korki Buchek?
[the teenagers are confused]
Borat: Bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click*, bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click*...
Borat: My name i' Borat, I come a-from Kazakhstan. Can I say a-first, we support your War of Terror.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May we show our support for our boys in Iraq.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May U.S. and A kill every single terrorist.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May George Bush a-drink the blood of every single man, woman, and child of Iraq. [crowd cheers wildly]
Borat: May you destroy their country so that for the next thousand years not even a single lizard will survive in their desert.
[some of crowd still cheers]
XDDDDDD
"Go, LIVE YOUR LIFE!"
♥
Borat: What kind of dog is this?
Zookeeper: It's a tortoise.
Borat: Is it a cat in a hat?
Zookeeper: No... it's a tortoise in a shell.
Atlanta Teenager: What kinda music you listen to?
Borat: I like-a very much Korki Buchek. You know Korki Buchek?
[the teenagers are confused]
Borat: Bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click*, bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click*...
Borat: My name i' Borat, I come a-from Kazakhstan. Can I say a-first, we support your War of Terror.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May we show our support for our boys in Iraq.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May U.S. and A kill every single terrorist.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May George Bush a-drink the blood of every single man, woman, and child of Iraq. [crowd cheers wildly]
Borat: May you destroy their country so that for the next thousand years not even a single lizard will survive in their desert.
[some of crowd still cheers]
XDDDDDD
"Go, LIVE YOUR LIFE!"
♥
Saturday, 12 June 2010
girlie night in ... makes a change :)
normally i relied on being outside with a big bottle of 8% cider with 15 other people, the majority of which being strangers. nights like that normally end up with someone crying, and going home and crying and getting told off my mummy. but im actuallyhaving a really good night and im inside; its not always about illegal substances and getting wrecked. its about the conversation and the comppany :) :) scott kristy and jess, just talking, a bit of booze and a few fag breaks, the conversation is lovely (ive falllen over a few times XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD) but im having a wonderful time with some bloody wonderful people.
by the way, the cheesy blog worked xP Jess and me are BAAAAACCCKKKKK !
love love love ♥
Friday, 11 June 2010
♥
I'm probably setting myself up for a little bit of public embarrassment if this doesn't go right ... it'd be another lesson learnt ... but tbh I think I've already learnt one.
we've had 10 years. 10 .. quite contrasting years. Sometimes we hated each other, but for most of those years, I had some of the best times of my life with you. The hippie nights, the water fights (ugh that wasn't supposed to rhyme. But I like it ^^), your stepdad turning into the Hulk ... yeah I mentioned this in my other blog. But atm this is unimportant.
I'm gonna be honest with you, the last few months we've snapped at each other and said a few things we shouldn't have. I think we can safely say that we're both responsible for some bitchiness.
But what I said on Facebook was unacceptable. Like off-the-hizzle unacceptable, it was fucking bad. I don't even know why I said it. It's inexplicable, I suppose I ... I felt protective of him. Defensive. I've become quite close to him; I have "chats" with him and he's a really lovely good mate to talk to. I don't "like" him, I can imagine that coming into your head straight away. But I value his friendship and I felt sort of angry when what happened, happened.
Look you're probably annoyed because this is here "for the world to see", but that's kind of the reason I put it here (ugh not to annoy you. fml i'm not good at explaining myself); I put it here because I want everyone (well, whoever has enough spare time on their hands to read this shit) to know just how sorry I am.
Going back to what I said at the start, we've had 10 years, 10 fucking years, and I don't want to throw that away! I know you probably don't want to know, and this is probably a waste of time. But it's a last-ditch attempt to try again; this is summer 2010. we will have 12 weeks (84 days!) to do whatever we want. And that's what we'll end up doing. Whether or not we do it together is a different story. It's up to you.
I am 100000000000000% up for starting afresh. Making up. I hate the hostility and it hasn't even been 48 hours yet. I'm not used to this.
I know how angry you are at me, I understand why you are. Because what I said was completely out of order and I have no excuse. I fumbled with my phone for ages when I got that text off you, trying to think of a way that I could turn it around on you, making it your fault. It's not often I admit to being wrong, I'm selfish and hardfaced and I hate losing. However in this instance, I can safely say that I'm wrong. I'm not afraid to hurt my pride, I was a total BITCH and I never should have said it. I probably deserve to lose you tbh, but I would honestly rather rip my eyeballs out and headbutt a wall than have to do that.
Anyway I did tell you that I wasn't going to grovel. Kinda too late for that now I suppose. I was going to email you this on Facebook, but it wouldn't fit. I basically need you in my life. You probably don't need me. You're strong and independent and you could find a new best friend within a week if you wanted one. But the fact is Jess, I don't want a new best friend. I want me to stop being so fucking obsessive, I want me to stop butting into other people's lives, and most of all I want you to be my best friend again so we can ... just be best friends again?
♥
we've had 10 years. 10 .. quite contrasting years. Sometimes we hated each other, but for most of those years, I had some of the best times of my life with you. The hippie nights, the water fights (ugh that wasn't supposed to rhyme. But I like it ^^), your stepdad turning into the Hulk ... yeah I mentioned this in my other blog. But atm this is unimportant.
I'm gonna be honest with you, the last few months we've snapped at each other and said a few things we shouldn't have. I think we can safely say that we're both responsible for some bitchiness.
But what I said on Facebook was unacceptable. Like off-the-hizzle unacceptable, it was fucking bad. I don't even know why I said it. It's inexplicable, I suppose I ... I felt protective of him. Defensive. I've become quite close to him; I have "chats" with him and he's a really lovely good mate to talk to. I don't "like" him, I can imagine that coming into your head straight away. But I value his friendship and I felt sort of angry when what happened, happened.
Look you're probably annoyed because this is here "for the world to see", but that's kind of the reason I put it here (ugh not to annoy you. fml i'm not good at explaining myself); I put it here because I want everyone (well, whoever has enough spare time on their hands to read this shit) to know just how sorry I am.
Going back to what I said at the start, we've had 10 years, 10 fucking years, and I don't want to throw that away! I know you probably don't want to know, and this is probably a waste of time. But it's a last-ditch attempt to try again; this is summer 2010. we will have 12 weeks (84 days!) to do whatever we want. And that's what we'll end up doing. Whether or not we do it together is a different story. It's up to you.
I am 100000000000000% up for starting afresh. Making up. I hate the hostility and it hasn't even been 48 hours yet. I'm not used to this.
I know how angry you are at me, I understand why you are. Because what I said was completely out of order and I have no excuse. I fumbled with my phone for ages when I got that text off you, trying to think of a way that I could turn it around on you, making it your fault. It's not often I admit to being wrong, I'm selfish and hardfaced and I hate losing. However in this instance, I can safely say that I'm wrong. I'm not afraid to hurt my pride, I was a total BITCH and I never should have said it. I probably deserve to lose you tbh, but I would honestly rather rip my eyeballs out and headbutt a wall than have to do that.
Anyway I did tell you that I wasn't going to grovel. Kinda too late for that now I suppose. I was going to email you this on Facebook, but it wouldn't fit. I basically need you in my life. You probably don't need me. You're strong and independent and you could find a new best friend within a week if you wanted one. But the fact is Jess, I don't want a new best friend. I want me to stop being so fucking obsessive, I want me to stop butting into other people's lives, and most of all I want you to be my best friend again so we can ... just be best friends again?
♥
Thursday, 10 June 2010
if life gives you lemons...
...you're supposed to make lemonade, right? 'cause I tell you something, life has just squeezed the world's biggest lemon into my fucking eye, and I don't feel like making any fucking lemonade.
honestly sometimes I think someone up there must really dislike me. what, karma? for being honest? for speaking my mind for once and not getting shouted down or having the piss taken for my fucking opinion that never really matters, nor actually ever mattered. seriously the one time I'm properly honest about something is when I get blamed for bullshitting, maybe it's just an indication that I shouldn't say what I think, and just go by what everyone says I should.
saying how fucking happy i was obviously wasn't a good idea. Whenever I say I'm happy, something always goes wrong, very shortly after I say "Oh! Look how FUCKING good my life turned out, nothing can ever bring me down blah blah FUCKING blah!"
for FUCK'S sake, why the hell does everything have to go tits up? Why can't everything just be fucking simple?
honestly sometimes I think someone up there must really dislike me. what, karma? for being honest? for speaking my mind for once and not getting shouted down or having the piss taken for my fucking opinion that never really matters, nor actually ever mattered. seriously the one time I'm properly honest about something is when I get blamed for bullshitting, maybe it's just an indication that I shouldn't say what I think, and just go by what everyone says I should.
saying how fucking happy i was obviously wasn't a good idea. Whenever I say I'm happy, something always goes wrong, very shortly after I say "Oh! Look how FUCKING good my life turned out, nothing can ever bring me down blah blah FUCKING blah!"
for FUCK'S sake, why the hell does everything have to go tits up? Why can't everything just be fucking simple?
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
all that happens is happinesssssss
*sigh*
y'know, life isn't all that bad! just today I was weighing up all the pros and cons of my life, asking other people why they were so happy ... and I came to the conclusion that I am monumentally happy with everything.
perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, 'cause I still have a bit of school stress left, but it'll disappear completely and i'll probably end up missing it. xD
SHITLOADS of things have happened to me this year. I've met some absolutely brilliant new people recently, I've actually had some of the best times of my bloody life with them. Parties, campouts, days at Dawlish, piss-ups ... basically I could go on forever about how much I love my friends, but like I said on my Gary Blog, it's impossible to articulate into a coherent paragraph. I like to think that I've done an alright job of doing so.
Now I think about it, I think really the thing that's making my life so bloody brilliant atm is my friends ... I can't think of anything else. 12 weeks of summer are on my fucking doorstep, all I can think of is BOOZE CAMP DRUGS BEACH SUN FRANCE CONCERTS FRIENDS HOLIDAYS MEMORIES PHOTOS JOB MONEY WOOOOOOOOOOOO
12 weeks of summer
12
FUCKING
WEEKS!!!!!!!
that's 84 days!!!!!!
OAAAAAAARGH THAT'S LIKE A FUCKING THIRD OF A YEAR!
... so I suppose that's what's making me kinda happy. so anyway. i was discussing how good life was with Gary-Gum, and the way we're going, we're probably going to die before the world ends (2012 will be soon upon us!). and I've decided to do a little list of stuff that I want to happen before 2012.
after 5 minutes of literally racking my brains, I fucking give up. I can't write a list. I don't want to make plans! I have 12 fucking weeks to do WHATEVER the fuck I want. I can go anywhere and do anything! I'm just gonna take life as it comes tbh. COME ON! this summer is set to be a fucking heatwave, i'll be earning money, i have the best friends in the world ... this summer is going to be absolutely perfect.
♥
y'know, life isn't all that bad! just today I was weighing up all the pros and cons of my life, asking other people why they were so happy ... and I came to the conclusion that I am monumentally happy with everything.
perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, 'cause I still have a bit of school stress left, but it'll disappear completely and i'll probably end up missing it. xD
SHITLOADS of things have happened to me this year. I've met some absolutely brilliant new people recently, I've actually had some of the best times of my bloody life with them. Parties, campouts, days at Dawlish, piss-ups ... basically I could go on forever about how much I love my friends, but like I said on my Gary Blog, it's impossible to articulate into a coherent paragraph. I like to think that I've done an alright job of doing so.
Now I think about it, I think really the thing that's making my life so bloody brilliant atm is my friends ... I can't think of anything else. 12 weeks of summer are on my fucking doorstep, all I can think of is BOOZE CAMP DRUGS BEACH SUN FRANCE CONCERTS FRIENDS HOLIDAYS MEMORIES PHOTOS JOB MONEY WOOOOOOOOOOOO
12 weeks of summer
12
FUCKING
WEEKS!!!!!!!
that's 84 days!!!!!!
OAAAAAAARGH THAT'S LIKE A FUCKING THIRD OF A YEAR!
... so I suppose that's what's making me kinda happy. so anyway. i was discussing how good life was with Gary-Gum, and the way we're going, we're probably going to die before the world ends (2012 will be soon upon us!). and I've decided to do a little list of stuff that I want to happen before 2012.
after 5 minutes of literally racking my brains, I fucking give up. I can't write a list. I don't want to make plans! I have 12 fucking weeks to do WHATEVER the fuck I want. I can go anywhere and do anything! I'm just gonna take life as it comes tbh. COME ON! this summer is set to be a fucking heatwave, i'll be earning money, i have the best friends in the world ... this summer is going to be absolutely perfect.
♥
Sunday, 6 June 2010
another half term wasted.
well, it's certainly been the most eventful half term I've had, but not necessarily the most productive of weeks. I have a maths exam' tomorrow FML and I've barely revised. Went camping last night, it was bloody magic, but I got 2 hours' sleep and I'm hung over and I have to wake up at 6:30am tomorrow to get to school for 7:50 for a cocking revision session and URRGHHHHHHH.
to be fair, I deserve to fail, for having put such little input into my revision. I've been told that if I get a D, I won't get into college; regardless of all my other results, even if I got A* for everything ... if I don't get a C in maths, that's it. That scares the hell out of me, quite frankly. shit, mum's home. she's gonna wanna see how much revision I've done. Better sort out my excuse.
FUCK MY LIFE
to be fair, I deserve to fail, for having put such little input into my revision. I've been told that if I get a D, I won't get into college; regardless of all my other results, even if I got A* for everything ... if I don't get a C in maths, that's it. That scares the hell out of me, quite frankly. shit, mum's home. she's gonna wanna see how much revision I've done. Better sort out my excuse.
FUCK MY LIFE
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